THE LOST BOYS

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Every time I hear someone mention The Lost Boys it is in a fondly reminiscent tone. The general consensus seems to be that this film is a legend in its own right. When I would tell them I had never seen it, people would gasp in disbelief. Even Netflix has been hassling me with relentless recommendations to rent it. Now I have finally gotten around to it, with positive expectations. Without wasting your time with the specific details, I can tell you this movie made me feel sore, and not just from this guy’s gyrating hips.

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Shit, that is probably the best part! So many things are terrible in this film that it made me think I might be accidentally watching some knock-off version by accident. What the hell do people think is so great about this schlocky, groan-inducing mess? Kiefer Sutherland (24) is a great actor, but he plays the corniest vampire ever. I thought Corey Feldman would at least be funny in a cute kid kind of way but his try hard tough guy voice was like Christian Bale’s Batman x10. He was great in The Goonies and Stand By Me, so what went wrong?

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I realize now that another vampire movie came out in the same year (1987) as The Lost Boys.  Near Dark is the near perfect vampire film and is one of my favorite horror movies of all time. Essentially, it has the same plot as The Lost Boys, but it’s well executed with a serious tone. Near Dark‘s acting, storytelling, effects, and cinematography blend together in a culmination that viciously blows The Lost Boys out of the water. If you still haven’t watched The Lost Boys, save yourself the agony and put Near Dark on instead. You’ll thank me later!

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Sorry, Michael, but your movie sucks!

1 sexy sax man out of 5

★☆☆☆☆

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