When the best thing your film has going for you is the poster art you know you have a big problem. This was the case with Almost Human, an alien abduction movie where the only abduction scene is in the first five minutes. This movie could’ve cut the alien part of the story out and it would have been the same stinking pile of uninspired mess. Very rarely do I watch a movie where I end up rooting for it to end part way through.

There was literally no pulp to this piece of garbage. No interesting backstories, no drama, and most importantly nothing scary. The acting is so bad it seems like the characters aren’t even frightened. The practical effects are nothing you haven’t seen before and the main villain, who comes back to earth after being abducted and terrorizes people, is unconvincing. Just an all around failure.

A few times things are set up and not even resolved or paid off. For example, before the on-screen abduction happens it is mentioned that the main character was with his friend when he was taken by the aliens. Then we see it happen first hand to someone else. A couple of scenes later and the whole incident is brought up on occasion, including what happen to the first guy. Well, I was under the impression that Almost Human might save itself a bit on the final act by bringing that first abducted man onto the screen for the first time to be a second, more powerful alien villain. Alternatively, he could have returned as a rebel alien on a mission to destroy the evil one (kind of like a Terminator 2 vibe). Instead, he is never mentioned after the first act.

Another similar thing happens when the alien is capturing its victims. He implants them with some sort of biological mind control device but it takes awhile for the process to complete so they rest in a cocoon. This happens to four people throughout the movie and one by one they hatch to wreak havoc. By the time one hatches, the next one has formed its cocoon. So when they get to monster number three the last one should be in its cocoon, but they never show the alien hideout again. I thought for sure they would at least have a shitty “last surprise” scene like some horror movies do where after the threat is defeated it is revealed that the last cocoon hatched, meaning the aliens are still out there. With Almost Human your expectations have to be even lower than low. If I hadn’t been watching this on Netflix I would have taken the disc out, snapped it in half, and tossed it in the trash.

1 hairy, sloppy cocoon out of 5



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