WOLFCOP

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This movie is a hoax people. Wrap it up and go home! What had the potential to be a tongue-in-cheek, grindhouse-style cult classic turned out to be one of the most boring, non-funny stack of shit pancakes I’ve ever had the displeasure of eating…WITH MY EYES! Nothing-is-good-about-this-schlock-fest-and-yes-I-know-I’m-getting-carried-away-but-I-just-want-to-get-this-over-with-so-I-can-stop-talking-about-WolfCop!

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This specific breed of movie exists to be a genuinely humorous send-up to terrible cinematic abominations, but WolfCop doesn’t get anyone’s goat because it is too busy becoming what it is supposed to be making fun of. Maybe if I was a young Manster, back in my Preliminary Slaughter School days, I would tout this trash as a classic, but I would like to think I would still be smart enough to dispose of this garbage. The film starts off innocently enough, introducing a likable main character getting ready to go be a cop. The problems begin after his first transformation, which might be shocking considering that’s clearly what everyone is seeing this movie for. After the first act I was so bored and uninterested I was just praying for it to end, and that’s saying something for a film clocking in at under 80mins.

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They obviously had a shoestring budget because WolfCop is full of awful acting and most of the special effects are cheap and unappealing. I guess nobody around here knows how to extort somebody by hanging them over a fire escape. Couldn’t they have at least hired someone like Justin Long to be the Wolf or Josh Gad to be the sidekick? Hell, I’d even take Jason Biggs over the long-haired asshole they had cracking jokes shotgun in the Wolfmobile while doing his best Jason Lee from My Name Is Earl/Trevor from GTA:V impression. I’m sure his schedule wasn’t booked. Don’t watch this movie folks. Don’t waste your time. And certainly don’t listen to any of your friends who have seen WolfCop and “…swear, dude! It’s totally rad!” Just delete their info from your beeper and move far away, like I did. I’m gonna go now, I have a sudden urge to kill my wife.

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1 more crusty syringe thrust into my eyeso-

Ehem.

1 bad thing out of 5

★☆☆☆☆

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