PATCHWORK ft. Cold Prey + V/H/S/2

Patchwork is the debut feature film by none other than Tyler MacIntyre, director of Good Boy AND the movie I was by chance thinking of watching next, Tragedy Girls.  What a coincidence! Patchwork hits all the proper notes of comedy and grossness a parody horror should hit compared to the lackluster Good Boy. I can only hope that Tragedy Girls leans more in this direction on the quality scale.


This horror-comedy begins with a worrisome similarity to Re-Animator, but thankfully it moves along into its own story, quelling my fears of it being a ripoff. Patchwork has some staggeringly gruesome imagery for a film heavily reliant on laughs. Just seeing the main character(s) for the first time made my second and third stomach sick, and that’s saying something! A group of girls out at a bar all wake up the next morning inside of each other, and no it’s not porn. They are literally melded together. It’s in the title. With no one to turn to about fixing their state of being, they set out to find their creator and make them pay. Most of the cast is unrecognizable, save for a certain supporting Weasley twin and the Nazi giant from Green Room, but the leads do well for themselves.


Their creator is a riff on Jeffrey Combs’s mad scientist of cult classics past. He does ham it up with no hesitation, but that is an example of what makes Patchwork…err…work! The tone is that of complete self awareness, an oath made to go as far as possible down a chosen path with no turning back. I appreciate this commitment to decisiveness. There have been too many films that dance between the lines to deliver a muddy middle ground, then end up not excelling in any area. A nice little flick to indulge in, perhaps after watching something that left a bad taste in your mouth.

4 doctors disagreeing out of 5





Cold Prey is a Norwegian slasher film that doesn’t have anything new to add to the overpopulated subgenre. Its weak plot is a run of the mill try at molding a legend but it’s just too barebones. How this flavorless flick spawned a franchise is beyond me. It is touted as the best horror film from Norway but I hardly ever hear anyone mention it. The killer is generic, but unlike other vague slasher antagonists such as the ones from Final Exam or Black Christmas, he is meant to have an engaging backstory. It just isn’t properly told or sold for that matter. Sure Cold Prey will do in a pinch, but you would have to be trapped pretty far down in ice to not have anything better to put on.

2 mold grays out of 5





The constellations continue to align. It’s like I’m unwittingly keeping a kill combo going by stringing these reviews together in happenstance ways on a night-to-night basis. V/H/S returns with a worthy sequel to add more ghost stories into the campfire. Another stew with all the best flavorings, V/H/S/2 might be slightly less mouthwatering, but not enough to demote it to side dish status. A largely different group of directors get a chance to scare, although the tag-team of Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett return, working alongside original The Blair Witch Project duo Eduardo Sanchez and Gregg Hale to bring the found footage genre full circle. A shorter list of shorts this time around, but they provide the same batshit intensity the franchise loves to transmit. Add this to your stack of tapes.

4 exploding Indonesians out of 5



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