I thought after watching two stinkers in a row that were made not too long ago I would watch something that’s considered a classic in the horror genre. Cannibal Holocaust is regarded as notorious in the horror community so I thought I was guaranteed an end to this streak of shitty films that is forming. Apparently, not even 1980 can quell my woes.

“THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL FILM EVER MADE.” OK, that’s a bold statement. Let’s see what all the fuss is about. Here we go, these guys are trying to recover the lost footage of a documentary crew that went into the jungle and never came out. OK, they are still looking for it. The one dude just sliced up a live muskrat, that’s cool. How long is this gonna take, are they ever going to get to the lost film reels? Is this whole movie about the search team looking for the documentary? Wtf is going on?

Oh, here it is, finally. They are back in New York watching the recovered footage. Now it MUST be about to get good! Now we have to watch a whole new group trek through the Amazon. Are they there yet? They are killing a real turtle for a movie. And a tarantula. And a snake. Why are they not using props?

My patience is about to run out- WAIT they got to the natives’ village. It’s about time! Now why are they burning their village down?! What the flying fuck is this documentary supposed to be documenting? These people sweated their immature balls off in a rain forest for six days to get to an aboriginal village just to rape and pillage it? Oh, they got to shoot an innocent piglet too. DON’T WORRY THE TRIP WAS WORTH IT! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! The natives even get in on the animal cruelty as they cut a live monkey’s head in half an eat out of the back of its face. They should show this in schools!

I guess the point of making a film like this was to make you hate the characters and revel in what becomes of their corpses in the end. The only thing I reveled in was the sight of the credits. Get out of my Xbox, Cannibal Holocaust, and get back in your envelope. I can only hope my introduction to the Italian horror scene is the genre at an all-time low.


1 festering pile of shit out of 5


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