A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD ft. The Houses October Built 2 + The Monster

If by “Freddy delivers” they mean extra cheese then what an apt tagline. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child is not the new Coheed & Cambria album title, but the fifth installment in the popular Freddy Krueger franchise. Although he is the one slinging trashy insults left and right, at this point in his career Freddy has been solidified as the brunt of the jokes.

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BLADE: TRINITY ft. The Shallows + Maniac Cop 2

I remember not having much interest when Blade: Trinity hit theaters back in 2004. I didn’t know or care who his new sidekicks were (or the actors that played them for that matter, Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds). I wasn’t a giant fan of the source material. I have nothing against Blade, I just haven’t read much of his comic book stuff, so I was never compelled to see it. I don’t even have a clear memory of the events in the first two films, save one iconic bloody rave scene. Now, 16 years later, I have finally gotten around to finishing out the trilogy.

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KUSO ft. Unsane + Body Bags

Manster, I am batting a thousand with these opening picks. Well three strikes, I’m out! I think it’s time to watch some classics after this vile start to this MASSACRE MARATHON. Kuso is “IDM” artist Flying Lotus’ debut feature film. I like his music. I hated his movie.

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CONTRACTED

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Contracted is a movie where a girl sucks the wrong dick and turns into a zombie. You can use the poster above for reference. This movie was clearly put together with a teen girl demographic in mind; I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a made-for-MTV movie. The characters are all shallow husks and the actors don’t bring worthy talent to the table. The usual bad decisions characters make in horror films are amplified. The reactions of characters are even worse. Do you really expect me to believe that stalker guy would actually kiss that SCABBY, discolored face, even if it is his long-awaited first opportunity to score? Absolutely not! Would a restaurant manager force someone who looked like that to stay in the kitchen? No, he would most definitely call 911! Continue reading

A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT

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A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night, or for the sake of this review, AGWHAAN, is an Iranian film noir focused on a slew of deadbeats in “Bad City” whose lives all become intertwined with a young vampire. The film is beautifully shot, with the black and white giving it a gloomy tone. Between the male lead’s ’50s bad boy attitude/style and the female lead’s angst-ridden record collection at some point I was waiting for The Smiths to start playing and for them to ditch the school dance to go read poems to each other in the woods. On a scale of grindhouse to arthouse AGWHAAN definitely throws its weight more on the stylistic side, lacking the substance to make first time director Ana Lily Amirpour’s effort really hit home (similar to the trap The Neon Demon fell into). Continue reading

ARMY OF DARKNESS

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Part 1: The Evil Dead

Part 2: Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn

♆♆♆- I have already seen this movie.

The third and final leg of Ash’s adventure, Army of Darkness, sees him (and his car) being transported back in time to the year 1300 AD. He is immediately discovered by a battalion of knights and brought as a prisoner to their castle. After proving he is not an enemy, the community relies on Ash and his knowledge of technology to stop the advances of the ancient evil dead. The 1992 film stars Bruce Campbell yet again, alongside Embeth Davidtz (Schindler’s List) in her first big American movie role.

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